The “I”

You, who with mystical patience have listened deeply to the arcanum of the mysterious night; you, who have comprehended the enigma that is hidden in each heart, as well as the sound of a far away carriage, of a vague echo, of a slight sound that is lost in the far off distance... listen to me.

In those instants of profound silence, when forgotten things emerge from the bottom of the memory, in those forgone times, in the hour of the dead, in the hour of repose, you will know how to study in depth this present chapter of the Fifth Gospel, not only with your mind, but also with your heart.

As if into a cup of gold, I pour my sufferings into these lines, sufferings of past remembrances and fatal disgraces, sorrowful nostalgia of my soul inebriated with flowers, mourning of my heart, sad from festivities.

But, what is that which I want to say?... Soul of mine!... Are you perhaps lamenting with vain complaints because of too many yesterdays?

You can still hunt for the perfumed rose and the fleur-de-lis, and at least there are also myrtles for your pitiful gray head.

The soul, satiated with vain remembrances, cruelly immolates what the ego enjoys, such as Zingua, the black and lubricious Queen of Angola.

You have enjoyed yourself with horrifying Bacchanals, stubborn pleasures within the mundane noise, and now, woe of thee! You heard the terrible curse of ecclesiasticum.

Disgrace on thee!... Poor ego! The moment of passion bewitched you, but behold how Ash Wednesday arrives: Memento Homo.

Thus, this is why the selected souls are going towards the Mountain of Initiation, as explained by Anacreon and Omar Khayyám.

The old time gnaws at everything with no clemency, and it goes quickly. You must know how to defeat it, Cintia, Cloe, and Cidalisa.

While in the absence of the “I” and beyond time, I experienced That which is the Reality, the element that radically transforms.

To vividly experience the reality beyond the mind... to experience in a direct way that which is not from time... certainly, is something impossible to describe with words.

I was in that state that is known in the oriental world as Nirvi-Kalpa-Samadhi. Being an individual, I had passed beyond any individuality; I felt for an instant that the drop was becoming lost within the ocean that has no shores, the sea of indescribable light... the bottomless abyss... the Buddhist void filled with glory and happiness.

How can the Illuminated Void be defined...? How can that which is beyond time be described...?

Thus, the Samadhi became extremely profound... The absolute absence of the “I,” the complete loss of individuality, the greater and greater radical impersonalization caused fear in me.

Yes, fear...! I was afraid of losing what I was, my own particularity, my human affections...! What a terrible thing is the Buddhist annihilation...!

So, filled with fright and even terror, I lost that ecstasy; I entered time, I bottled myself up within the “I,” I fell into the mind.

Then, woe is me!... Woe! Woe! It was then that I comprehended the inconvenient joke of the ego. The ego was the one who was suffering, it was afraid of its life, it was crying.

Satan, the “myself,” my beloved ego, caused the loss of my Samadhi. What a horror! If I had known it before...

But, the people adore their “I” too much, they qualify it as divine and sublime. Certainly, how mistaken they are...! Poor humanity...!

When I passed through this mystical living experience, I was still very young, and she (the night, the firmament) was named Urania.

Ah! crazy youth plays with such mundane things and sees in each woman a Greek nymph, even when she could be a scarlet courtesan girl.

That time is now already distant! But, still I see orange blossoms in the green orange trees that are impregnated with aromas, and in the old frigates which come from the distant seas, or in the haycock, or thick mangroves; your adored rostrum from that time begins to appear like the first sorrow and first love.

So, I comprehended that I needed to dissolve the ego, to reduce it into dust, in order to have the right to ecstasy.

Then... God of mine!... I found myself with many and too many yesterdays. Truly, the “I” is a book of many volumes.

How difficult was the dissolution of the “I” for me, but I achieved it. Sometimes when fleeing from evil, I encountered evil, and I cried.

For what use is vile envy and lust, if their pale furies writhe as reptiles?

For what use is fatal hatred of those who are ungrateful...? For what use are the libidinous gestures of the Pilates?

Within the depths of the most chaste men, the Biblical Adam lives inebriated with carnal passion, and delectably tastes the forbidden fruit, as does the naked Frine in the work of Fidias.

So, I would often cry out to heaven, saying:

Give to the fawn in me science, the wisdom that makes the angel shake his wings.
Through praying and penance allow me to put in flight the evil she-devils.
Give me, oh Lord, other eyes, and not these that enjoy looking at the roundness of snow and red lips.
Give me another mouth in which the ardent embers of asceticism can remain impregnated forever, and not this mouth of Adam in which wine and insane kisses are infinitely increasing and multiplying this bestial gluttony.
Give me hands of discipline and penitence that can leave my back stained with blood, and not these lubricious hands of a lover that caress the sinning apples.
Give me innocent Christic blood, and not this blood that makes my veins boil, my nerves vibrate, and my bones crackle.
I want to be free from evil and deceit.
I want to die within myself, and to feel a lovely hand that pushes me into the cave that always welcomes the hermit.

So, by intensely working, oh my brothers and sisters, I arrived unto the kingdom of death, through the path of love.

Ah!... if those who look for the illumination would truly comprehend that the soul is bottled up in the “I”...

Ah!... if they would destroy the “I,” if they would reduce to dust their beloved ego, then truly, their soul would be free...in ecstasy... in a continuous Samadhi. Thus, they will directly experience that which is the Truth.

Whosoever wants to vividly experience Reality must eliminate the subjective elements of perception.

It is urgent to know that such elements constitute diverse entities that form the “I.”

The soul profoundly sleeps within each one of those elements. What pain...!